I’m upset! In fact I’m upset and angry beyond sanity!!!! Sitting at our dining room table I am shacking. Tears are running down my cheeks. They told me I was too late. They told me I couldn’t take part in today’s test as all the participants had already been drawn. And in hearing all that I could feel my emotions taking over. They were right. I was too late. Totally disappointed but respecting the rules I said: ‘I understand.’ I left…holding myself together all the way until I got home. I made it to the dining room… All I could think was: This wasn’t my fault. It really wasn’t!’ All that came to my mind was: ‘I worked so hard for this opportunity….!’ And now it was gone! I’m shaking, I’m crying. I’m feeling incredably angry. It was only a few minutes. But for me, on that day, that particular morning it changed a lot. It was more that just a few minutes ….
The morning started off fine. We had coffee in bed, we laughed and we planned the day ahead. I mentioned (once again) that it was important for me to be on time for my event because we got chosen specifically take part in this competition. ‘An opportunity that doesn’t come up often’, I explained. I mentioned how we could best go about this to ensure I get to where I needed to go whilst everyone else could still go and do their thing. I planned everything and even skipped my morning run because I realised that time was too tight. I made my sacrifice to ensure that this morning would go smooth. I was optimistic hoping that everyone else will do their part in supporting me….just for today.
They went off for their run. I got to the place on time where we agreed to meet. Of course I was sectretly hoping they might be a little earlier allowing me to stress less. Just hoping …. But after all, as long as they would be on time my day would be fine. I waited. We were getting closer to the time we agreed to meet: 5 minutes to go…. I waited. 3 minutes late. I was under pressure. I knew this would be a tight one. My little one was enjoying the playground. Maybe if they’d rock up now, I could just make it on time …. I waited a little longer…. 7 minutes late….I’m already thinking of alternatives. None really seem to be a possible solution. My son was on the swing happy and laughing. All I could think of was: ‘Please don’t let me down! Pleeeaassse’ …. I waited some more: 12 minutes, 16 minutes….until 20 (!!!) minutes past our agreed time. No mention of ‘Sorry, I’m late’. No explanation….Nothing! They were happy, thinking of nothing bad, minding their own business, laughing, enjoying their exercise endorphins…. I was devastated, …disappointed: I knew it would take a miracle for me to get there on time. And that miracle didn’t happen…..as I ended up getting there just a few minutes too late.
So, here I am…. shaking, crying. Why was I the one to always make the sacrifice? Why was I the one that – even if I mentioned my needs and my plans more than once – I got ignored? After sobbing some more I soon realised this wasn’t going to take me anywhere. But where does it take me, where should it take me? Does this mean I have to communicate even more clearly? Put it up on a big board for everyone to see and remember? What’s the purpose if no one really listens anyway? Does this mean that I have to give up even more of those things that belong to MY life and are close to my heart? But I’m already letting go of soo much…! Does this mean I have to let them feel the pain and just disappear for the rest of the day? Yep, that sounds like a good choice! I’ll leave them to their own devices….give me some space and let them realise what it’s like without me. But wait, …who will then fetch my son? Who’s then going to make sure he’ll be in bed in time for this nap? He will be miserable if he’s out of his routine. And surely he shouldn’t be the one having to feel the pain?!?! It wasn’t his fault! …but it wasn’t mine either! And yet, I’m the one who came short – once again.
This was a tough one. How am I going to make sure that, in the future, a certain part of my life also gets respected – especially the one I ask for? Going forward, how am I going to make sure no one just assumes their time is more important than mine? After more sighs than anyone can count I decided to be the stronger one. I decided to take the bull by the horns. I decided to fetch my son and in my own time mentally prepare a conversation that wasn’t going to be easy but needed to be done. Some one needed to stand up for me. And the only one who could do that was myself. I wasn’t sure where I’d take the energy from to have this kind of conversation (I hate arguments!) but I knew, for my own sake, it was something that was worth fighting for. After all, I too am a member of this family with a life that (only) sometimes expands beyond our family. I ask for that to be respected – nothing more and nothing less. And besides that: being on time is an act of kindness everyone deserves! Don’t you think …?
Love and everything else * Clara